Can't escape yourself
by Mistress Nymphadora
Summary: Severus and Hermione hav a fight over a misunderstanding. song fic chapters. suicide ch. 3 April 1
1. Pizza Time

A/N the song will have ~around~ it, Hermione's thoughts, and * Flashbacks *. I own the plot ant that is about it. The characters belong to J. K. Rowling and the song belongs to Evanescence. 

~long lost words whisper slowly to me~

* 'I will stay in here if you wish. Watch over you while you sleep to make sure your dreams don't turn unpleasant again.' Severus offered. Hermione shook her head and scooted over so Severus could lie beside her comfortable. 'I love you Hermione, don't ever doubt or forget that. Promise me.' Severus said with an earnesty she could not remember him ever using before. 'I will. This will be the last battle and we will never be apart again. I love you.' *

~ still can't find what keeps me here 

when all this time I've been so hollow inside~ 

I have been in paradise for almost a week now and I feel no better. How dare that basted haunt me and leave me so empty feeling. The sun will do me good, right,  I will find all these hot tan men in Florida. Why does everything make me think of him. 

~I know you're still there  
watching me wanting me

I can feel you pull me down~

I come to the only place that was not predominately settled by England and I find Severus' twin.

 * 'That will be $18.18 with tax and your pizzas will be ready to pick up in 20 minutes.' The pizza guy said over the phone. 'Thank you.' Hermione said. Rob is it, he sounded nice. Maybe he will take some pity on this little English girl and show her how to have a nice time around here. As Hermione walked in she saw a girl of about 19 or 20 at the counter, a guy of about 6"1' I hope he is Rob topping a pizza, and past what looked to be a leprechaun in human form leaving with a pizza. 'Buckle up, Drive safe, and have Fun Sheamus.' even has an Irish name, sounds like there might actually be a non-wrinkly, good spirited girl in this town after all. 'How may I help you Madam?' the young blond asked me. 'I ordered two pizza. Granger.' She stepped over to the rack of boxes. '18.18 is your total, Wes go tell Rob he has a customer, please.' The tall blond boy walked back to the back and up walked, 'how may I help you ma'am?' 'Sever…' 'Ma'am, how may I help you?' Rob repeated. 'I…ah… ordered two pizzas. Granger.' how could I find a younger version of Severus in the middle of no where disguised as a hole in the wall between Boca Grand Florida and Tampa/St. Pete. 'Here you go ma'am.' Rob said. Hermione set down a 20 and practically ran out of the store.But he had blue eyes. Much like Lucious and Draco's eyes.*

  it was all too intense, our relationship was unnatural. It had to be. No one can be that close. I can still feel his presence, like a comfortable blanket but I don't want it. I just feel so empty.

~fearing you ~

* 'what are you doing down here Miss Granger. The dungeon corridors are no place for a little tart like yourself. Run back to your warms Lion's den and stay away from the pit of vipers you seem so drawn to.' Severus sneered sarcastically in his silkiest voice. Hermione could only tremble at his towering form and run.

~loving you~

* 'Remember I love you.' Hermione said from behind silk-topped satin screen. 'I love you two and no matter how tasteless or ghastly inappropriate it is Ginny said you should wear it once. Please show me it can't be that bad. What is it scarlet with gold trim with the Gryf...' Hermione stepped out and indeed it was scarlet with gold trim that turned into the Gryffindor crest. The satin teddy how ever was very modest yet showed off her fetchers well. She walked forward with a small smile on her face. 'I told you it was bad. But,' she paused before Severus. She leaned forward, showing her cleavage off quit nicely, and picked up his hand. 'now what do you want with that my dear.' Severus asked in mock puzzlement as she kissed each knuckle. then gently took his middle finger in her mouth and suck on it, slowly pulling it out. A low groan from Severus as he close his eyes. She then brought his other hand up and placed them both cupping her breasts. 'Look now what I am wearing.' The teddy had seamlessly changed from the lurid scarlet and gold satin to a fine emerald and silver silk that was almost shear and very well cut. It showed off her cleavage more with less material and was more form fit to her body. 'that is the most sexiest silk skin I have ever seen.' Severus said with a laugh. Then Hermione ran her finger from her lip down to her naval and it was gone. ' Did Gin do well then?' Hermione asked with a laugh at Severus' face. 'Happee Birthday Severus.' *

~I won't let you pull me down~  
  


*'Severus I will be back in the morning. I can't stand to be around you.' Hermione screamed thru hear tears as she slammed the door and dissapperated to Harry's flat.

~hunting you I can smell you – alive~

* Hermione sat blindfolded every scent she could identify. 'powdered unicorn horn'… 'dew of belladonna'… 'hmm…. That one is harder. I smell sandalwood, smoke, and… I think… rosemary.' Hermione stopped to think If I say essence of Severus Snape he will scoff at me but that is what it is with  small smile she said, 'Severus Snape, the fragrance.' 'Correct as always.' Severus said with a halfhearted sneer.

~your heart pounding in my head~  
  


* as Hermione began to come down from her climax Severus collapsed next to her boneless from his own release, rolling Hermione to lay atop of him. His heart beat an erratic fast pass that was dizzying to Hermione, his breathing was still coming in shallow breaths.*

~watching me ~

*Hermione lay on the rug in front of the fire in the study that connected hers and Severus rooms. Taking notes on the tomes she was reading looking for a way to defeat the Dark Lord. 'how may I help you Severus?' Hermione inquired with out a glace upward. She knew he had been standing there for some time now.*

~wanting me~

* Severus jut continued standing there, mentally sketching each curve and alcove of her body with his eyes. Taking in every move she made for latter fodder. 'can I help you?' Hermione said finally looking up at him. The look in his eyes was almost scary, like a cheetah looking at its last meal. 'No miss granger, you have helped enough already.' And with that he swept into his rooms.* 

~I can feel you pull me down~

*As Snape began to build in his furry he seemed to pull the very oxygen out f their surroundings.*

~saving me~

* As Hermione began to awake she realized what the overly clean smell and the rigidly starchy feeling of the bed cloths meant. With out opening her eyes she said 'How did I get in the infirmary and who brought me here?' when she heard no one bustle over to her bed side and start shoving potions down her throat she opened her eyes. ' I brought you here and why the hell did you try to follow me to that meeting. Luckily I found you before any real harm can to you. The death eater that was beating the piss out of you is currently lying with a knife in his back.' * 

~raving me ~

* 'I am pleased to announced that the plan was all Hermione's idea and what ever she says to the otherwise is a lie. She did all the work I only got in her way.' Severus announced as he was being interviewed about the last battle.* Later he regretted it and sworn never to shag me before an interview in the broom closet again. Hermione thought riley

~watching me~

* As Hermione rocked back and forth in a well-practiced rhythm she watched Severus watch her work. His eyes never leaving hers. His hands running over her skin like wild fire.*

  
~watching me, wanting me, I can feel you pull me down 

fearing you, loving you , I won't let you pull me down~

I can't stay here forever. I need cloths and I need to get out of here. Some how it all makes me think of him. Hermione thought as she ate the last piece of cold chicken Alfred pizza she disapperated.


	2. Absinthe of Time

A/N Hey I would have had this up sooner but my compy ate it once so lets see if I can keep it this time. Italics and ~ is the song, Severus' thoughts and *is flashbacks*. J.K. Rowling owns the people, Evanescence owns the three songs, and I own the plot so there. Hope you like it.

Yours,

Mistress

~I'm so tired of being here~

Severus sat doing what he had done so many times over the year. He sat trying to drown his memories in Absinthe. This tactic had worked so many times over the years that it was surprising how little it was working now. It had been years since he had tried to drown his memories; the last 3 years had not merited it. He had been happy. But now, it seemed so far away. It had been about 3 years since he ha tried to drink a woman away that was screaming for her life, the Dark Lord had fallen so there was no longer that reason. At least a decade had passed since he had tried to drink a woman he loved away. * 'I love you, how can you doubt that.' Hermione stormed, 'I know you never loved me so I could never possible love you right.'

' I do love you its,' Severus started but was cut short.

"Fine way of showing it, running off with that whore, I hope you and that little wench are happy together because I am leaving. You know Nymphadora is an appropriate name for her. That little bitch is sex crazy, she could not just stick with Victor could she, no, she had to steal my man too. Well I hope she serves you well be cause I am leaving.' *

And with that, Hermione ran out of their flat in London and disapperated to who knows where. Severus had tried to follower her but she was to fast and he lost her. He had spent the next 2 days looking for her.

~Suppressed by all my childish fears~

* 'How can you possible love a monster like me. I killed my little sister at birth. I wanted to be powerful and it was the only way I could gain access to higher dark power. The blood right called for one of magic parentage, of innocent heart. The strength of the family's blood would redouble my own power and the closer to ones own family the better it worked. My mother labored a day and a night to bring her into this world and I worked 1 hour to help her leave. January 20th, 1969, I was 9 years old, dark, and dangerous even then. Every year on that day, I return to lay black roses on her grave. My damnation was sealed by that task and for that I deserve no love of such pure means as yours.' Severus spoke in a soft, sad and defeated voice. 'You where nine and your family had encouraged you in the dark arts, it was a right of passage in your family and when you saw the light you turned from it. For that you deserve my love, for your courage in the face of great adversity.' Hermione cooed to Severus to try and sooth his fears. *

~And if you have to leave_  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real_

There's just too much that time cannot erase~_  
  
_****

Now all Severus have left of her was his memories which he was trying to drown, everything they ever bought together in their flat, her cloths, and a ring. Why has she not come back for things yet, Where could she be. There are still people out there that would want to hurt her. But why should I care, right, I don't really love her. I wonder if she really knows how much I do love her. Why wouldn't she let me explain what she saw? At least she didn't make a scene there in the shop. Tonks would never betray her as she has accused her. I wonder if she found Tonks and berated her too. I needed Tonks' help to pick out this ring. Severus thought holding up platinum band with the exquisite diamond surrounded by tiny emeralds and rubies. During the war Tonks had compiled folders upon folders of data on each Order member so if need be she could change into them. So she was the only person that Severus could bring along to make sure the ring would fit. 

~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears~

* 'Severus their gone,' Hermione whimpered, 'My parents Severus, they killed them.' She broke down in sobs again. 'They will pay darling, I will make them pay.' Severus cooed in her ear as Hermione's sobs subsided a little bit and Severus kissed the top of her head.

_  
~When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears~_

* Hermione wakes screaming from the nightmare that held her bond. Severus bounds in from his adjoining room to see about her. "They killed you… they killed Harry… Ron… everybody and they where making me burry them all. There where thousands of bodies, young, old… infants… and… and… oh it was horrible.' Hermione sobbed. 'I will stay in here if you wish. Watch over you while you sleep to make sure your dreams don't turn unpleasant again.' Severus offered. Hermione shook her head and scooted over so Severus could lie beside her comfortable. He sat and stroked her hair until she fell back to sleep. *

_  
~I held your hand through all of these years~_

* 'It is finished, the war is over and we made it thru Hermione.' Severus said as they watched Voldemort's ashes drift away. 'Yes we made it. 6 years after he rose from the ashes he is sent back there never to be seen from again.' Hermione said leaning on Severus. *

_  
~But you still have  
All of me~  
  
_

Well it will do me no good to dwell on memories, will it? She will live her life and I will simple sit here until I died. She was my life and now Hermione is gone forever, and so then is my life gone. And with that thought Severus finally passed out

~You used to captivate me_  
By your resonating light~  
  
_

* The first day of first year potions with Slytherine and Gryffindor. 'Ah Mr. Potter our new celebrity. Tell me what would I get if I combined powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?' Hermione starts jumping up and down in excitement. Hermione whispering instructions to Longbottom on how to fix his shrinking solution. Hermione in the infirmary with that ridiculous furry face. Hermione's graduation speech. Hermione finding the way to kill Voldemort. * 

~Now I'm bound by the life you left behind~_  
  
_

* Hermione slamming the door and leaving. *

~Your face it haunts_  
My once pleasant dreams~_

* Hermione writhing beneath Severus, panting and moaning his name. * Instantly changes to * 'how can you say you love me when you where out buying that whore a ring,' Hermione begins screaming in tears. *

 _  
~Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me~  
  
_

* 'Does our 3 year relationship mean nothing. We came out of 6 years of fighting what appeared at time a loosing battle. We have been together for 9 years. First as partners in the war now you throw it away like this.' Hermione wailed. *

_  
~These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase~  
  
_

*You would think 9 days of nothing but absinth in your system would either kill you or put you in a coma. But I guess both are to good for me. Severus thought as he finished off the sixth bottle he owned. *

_  
~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears~_

* ' What will we do, the Dark Lords numbers keep increasing and our numbers are dwindling as the light is killed off?' Hermione cried. Severus kissed her temple and wiped her eyes. *

_  
~When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears~_

'We will keep fighting, we have spies in the dark ranks, more then the dark lord knows and we will defeat him in the end. We will find the answer.' Severus said, 'You will find the answer.' Severus whispered almost to softly for her to hear. *

_  
~I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me~_

* 'Hermione no matter what happens to me I will always be with you.' Severus told her as he left for a meeting he knew was to execute a spy that had went missing earlier that day. They where fearful that he might rat out Severus as a spy to try to save his own skin. * And she still has me with her. Severus thought as his dream slide from one image to the next.

_  
~I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

But though you're still with me_  
I've been alone all along~_

Why must she haunt my dreams, why does my mind keep bringing her to my thoughts? She has left me and there is nothing I can do about it. I will wait for the ferryman to come for me and pray someone leaves me money for passage. 

_  
~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years~  
  
_

* Severus came staggering in the door. "Severus lie down I will get Pompy, what did he do to you.' Hermione gabbled as she rushed around summoning Pompy and Dumbledore. 'We are safe, Zambini died a hero's death but to remind the rest of us the penalty given to traders he picked a few people from the crowed and tortured us. I am always a target because of my strength of will. I am fine, cry not for me.'

~But you still have_  
All of me~_

Severus felt a light touch on his shoulder. He opened up his eyes. 'I have died haven't I and you are here to take me to my personal cell in hell.' Severus slurred, 'at least you are a face I can be glad will be the last I see.'


	3. Time to Kiss and Make Up

A/N- Lama you are way to kind and I will keep that in mind. I did the ~~ thing because I could not get the Italics to stink. However I think I may have solved that problem. I hope I broke it all up into bigger bits. I tried to break where the song broke. I hope you like it.

To all others who are indulging me and reading this story. I looked at this chapter from many angles. I though about Hermione finding Severus in a pool of blood, unconscious and in a coma. But I think this will work. If you would like to see the other idea just tell me and I will send it to you ASAP.

Yours,

Mistress

Hermione apperated to the flat where she and Severus had lived for the past 6 months. 'Funny how you can love a place with every fiber of your being one week and dread it the next.' Hermione thought as she stood contemplating the door to their flat. 'There is nothing stopping me from entering that flat. If Severus is in there with that, that, whore than it will just prove that he loves me not. this is his flat as much as it is mine so why not bring all his little tarts here now that,' Hermione's thoughts faltered for a moment as she tried to stifle a sob, ' now that we are no longer together.' she finished. 6 Months ago when Severus had showed her this little flat she thought that they would never part. 'I just have to get up and go in there.' 

What meet Hermione's eye made her heart break. Severus sat, slumped over the kitchen table, with 6 empty bottles on the floor and a 7th half empty sitting on the table. 'Wow I thing that is every bottle of his precious absinthe he owned. I guess that little wench found out she is only a flavor of the week and broke it off with him too.' then something caught her eye. It was a knife, a piece of cloth and 2 photos. As she lent to pick up the cloth her hand grazed his shoulder. Severus opened up his eyes. "I have died haven't I and you are here to take me to my personal cell in hell." Severus slurred, "at least you are a face I can be glad will be the last I see."

__

I tried to kill the pain  
but only brought more

so much more

I lay dying and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal

"Your not dead yet but much more of this behavior," Hermione stormed gesturing to the half empty bottle the six on the floor, the knife and both Severus' forearms. "And you will be fast meeting it. What did that little whore come to her sense and dump you too." Hermione finished with a satisfied snort.

"No, but look what the cat dragged in. Couldn't just haunt my dreams," Severus continued to slur, "But you had to come and berate me for my chosen method of forgetting you."

"Forgetting. Me? What are you talking about?" Hermione said with confusion. Severus looked down at the photos and cloth. It was her graduation picture, the photo the Daly profit ran after the final battle and her school jumper. "What do you want with me when you have that slut Tonks to keep you company. You never bought me jewelry and you where off buying her jewelry in plan sight in Hogsmeade." Hermione stormed trying to dismiss the fact that he had been in this state over her.

"Why do you ask such questions? If you are her to berate me for my chosen ways of morning then please as least get me a headache relief. If for other reasons then get on with it and leave me to die here alone." Severus said with a feeble attempt at his usual biting sarcasm.

__

I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am i too lost to be saved  
am i too lost?

Hermione simply walked to the bathroom and returned with a cold cloth and a headache relief draft. As Severus took the bottle from hermione's hand he gave her a little toast and downed it. A moment later his head felt clearer, he was still drunk of course but his head was no longer throbbing. "I take it you want to talk then." Severus said with a little more power then he had a moment earlier. "Or shall i say you yelling and me listening." he said with a quirked eyebrow. 'Why does he do that, he knows that breaks me train of thought.' Hermione that though. 

"You talk, I'll listen. You seem to have something on your mind and i am willing to let you try to explain your actions and save face." Hermione said with as little emotion as she could. 

"Thank you. Put exactly what do you want me to explain? The fact that you jumped to conclusion, that you accused me of lying to you, or just the highlights of the last week and a half?" Severus said with as little emotion as he could. The fact that she had returned for what ever reason was calming. 'She appears to be in one piece, a little tanner perhaps but well.' Severus thought. 

"Well let's start with when i left you. Yes i left you and that is what you can tell all the pathetic little tarts that you hit on in the bars. Then maybe you can get pity shag from them." Hermione spat. 

"Well after you left i tried to follow you. You leap frog apperated from country to country across the ocean. I lost you in Canada after you apperated from Iceland to Canada. I then spent a day trying to pick up your apperation trail. I gave up after a day." Severus said defeated. 

"You gave up after only a day. I looked for you for a week after you went missing before the final battle." hermione sneered. 

"And if i remember currently i saved you from being rapped and killed, didn't I." severus sneered "you where appertain so fast that after a day the trail was gone. I returned here." Severus cast a weary eye around there flat. "I sat down and almost finished the first bottle of absinthe in an hour." Severus said picking up what looked to be the oldest of the bottles with a gentle hand. "I thought it would start numbing the pain of losing you but to no avail. It just made me remember the ways i used to rid my self of all of this. The feel of the cold blade against my skin was, well no other way of saying it, pure pleasure. The first cut seemed to ring back the release this ritual once brought. The second brought back your biting words about this." Severus said with a look at hermione. The look in his eyes where deep but unreadable. "That pissed me off. I yelled in frustration. Why did this bring me back to you? So i started drinking again, contemplating everything. I guess the days just kind of started going by me. Around bottle 4 or 5 i went into your closet and got your jumper and the picture of you in your graduation robes. Remembered your school years, remembered watching you grow into this, this wonderful creature i don't, well didn't deserve." he chuckled at the look of confusion in her eyes. "At the end of bottle 5 how ever i retrieved this." he said proffering her the photo and news clipping from the Daly Prophet about her." I cried at this. I read it over and over again. Then when i started this bottle i started contemplating 2 things." he said and looked at hermione then stopped. "But those can wait. What do you think now?" 

My God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation 

"About?" hermione said. 'Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you are poking at what i think your nuts.' 

"About what. I have told you. I have bore all to you, now what do you think of this bastard you once clamed to love?" Severus said with little hint of contempt for having to say it. His ego might be on vacation in the land of empty bottles at his feet but it would not be kind for him to return completely black and blue. 

"Sounds like you missed something. My question is, was it me or the sex?" hermione spat. 

"I only thought of sex once this whole time you where gone and that was changed into our fight almost immediately after the first whimper of my name. Or are you accusing me of fantasizing about you when you where my student." Severus snapped. 

__

do you remember me  
lost for so long

"No, I would never accuse you of such brutalities." Hermione said in a softer voice. "You may have rapped countless women when you where a death eater but you left the children to the lesser death eaters. But you where kind to the women though weren't you, kinder to them then me. You killed them after you where finished with them. You kept me around for kicks. "Hermione finished with contempt. 

Will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me  
i'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am i too lost to be saved  
am i too lost?

"No, i kept you around because i loved you." Severus said dryly, "I have sat here and thought about everything you have said to me the past 3 years. No matter what my mood you tried to help. When i became to much you would leave but i knew you would come back. This time i knew you probably wouldn't come back." at that he paused and looked up at hermione with tears in his eyes. "I went looking for you because for once i thought i had done something right and you could not see it." severus paused again and let that sink in. "I have sat here trying to forget you and everything you mean to me and all that happened was i was surrounded by you. So at the beginning of this bottle of Absinthe i sat i thought on this," Severus said lifting the ring to her eyes. "Take it, try it on, look at every aspect of it and tell me what you think." hermione hesitated "Take it... Please." 

my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

Hermione just sat and looked at. It was beautiful and it fit her ring finger perfectly. She looked ant the intricate pattern of Celtic symbols that she recognized as symbols of unity, purity, and fertility. 'The marriage symbols, Oh God.' 

I want to die!!

"Well, noticed anything special about it yet?" Severus said in a cutting voice that he knew hurt hermione to her core. 

my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

"Yes, that i have been stupid, blind, and that all of a sudden i feel whole again. "Hermione said simply. "And that i don't deserve you. You have been understanding about a lot of the stuff i have done. Indulged in my little quirks when they where deeply engrained and never jumped to conclusions when i was being dodgy or seen somewhere dodge. You asked me what i was doing and told me what i was doing were wrong or helped me if you thought it a good idea." At that she looked up from the ring and looked as Severus with tears streaming down her face. "I realized that i still love you." 

my wounds cry for the grave  
my soul cries for deliverance  
will i be denied Christ  
tourniquet  
my suicide 

"Well then Miss Granger, will you do yourself the privilege and the honor of allowing yourself to call me Your Equal, Your Lover, Your Friend and My Wife by Marrying me and making every other girl in all of Europe green with envy over you?" Severus asked in his best Lockhart impression. 

"No." Hermione said with a smile. "I will marry you so you will Have the privilege of saying you are married to the Smartest Witch in all of Europe and the Woman the defeated the Dark Lord." 

"Done."


End file.
